I am so blessed to have so many amazing friends. Who care and offer their shoulder to cry on. Who offer me hugs and love to make it through these months when I'm away from my american boy.

I know I haven't been the best of friends lately. I know it may seem like I don't care or like I'm not grateful for everything you all do for me. It's just that.. I'm going through a lot of things right now. A lot of emotions and a lot of sleepless nights where I can't stop crying because I feel lost without him by my side. I know that eventually I'll be back to normal but I need time. I need to heal and to land on my feet again. But until I do.. I'm sorry for my lack of contact. I'm sorry I don't have much to say or ask. I'm sorry that I may come off as rude or unappreciative - I'm everything but that. I love and appreciate all of you and everything you do for me. Just understand that the path I'm walking on right now is very rough and I just need some time.. That's all.

I am deeply touched by all your nice gestures and I love and appreciate every single one of you. All day, every day! Never forget that!

..is breaking my heart. I hate every minute without you. Every second feels like an eternity. Saying goodbye to you was the hardest goodbye I ever had to say in my whole entire life. I know it's 'just' for 4 months but still. You not only own my heart but you've crawled underneath my skin and I just can't stand being without you.

Can't believe I'm home for the first time in almost 2 years. Everything looks the same but feels different. I have no desire to see anybody right now. I barely wanna get out of bed. I just wanna lay there and wait for 4 months to pass. I feel like I'm dying inside - like my heart is literally breaking, just by being away from you. I hate sleeping without you. I hate waking up without you. I hate everything without you!!!!!!!!!!!!

If I had more tears to cry, believe me I would. I would cry not a river but a whole fucking ocean of tears if I knew that it would bring me back to you. And I know I should enjoy this time, being home and seeing old friends and family but right now I'm horrible company. All I do is stare at the wall, waiting for the days to pass. I don't feel like making conversations. I don't feel like telling people how I feel. I just wanna be with you! If you were here I'd be the happiest girl in the world. If I could hold your hand and kiss your lips and fall asleep with your arms around me and wake up with your arms still around me, and if I could spend all my days and nights with you, that would make me happy. That would make me wanna live forever - but not even forever would be enough time with you. Somehow it seems like we never have enough time together. It's always something that has to come in between. Either work or school or people or stupid crap like my visa..

Why is it so much to ask.. To just be with you and be happy?We're not hurting anybody. We are not making public scenes or do something wrong.. We are just very much in love and wanna be together. Why is that so much to ask for? I really don't get it. Fuck everything!!! Life is just a fucking misery without you. Every fucking second without you is a fucking misery.