9 days until this AMAZING man of mine is finally here with me. 

do I even have to explain why I love him?

..didn't think so.

I have been a huge westlife fan for as long as I can remember. nowadays whenever I hear a westlife song, I picture myself slow dancing to it with the love of my life. I picture us laying in bed and just cuddling to it. god, that man of mine.. I can't get over the fact how amazing life became as soon as he walked into it. 

what did I do all this time without him? 

now we're 16 days apart. 16 days and then I'll finally get to hug him, smell him, kiss him.. I can't wait. it's hard, being away from someone you love. it's hart because your heart is breaking more and more for each day that goes by. they say that distance makes the heart grow fonder. I don't know if I agree or not. I mean.. the fact that we've been away from each other for more than two months has for sure made us appreciate each other more and it has made us realize how strong our love is.. but I don't know if the distance itself made me love him more. the distance is just a piece of crap that gives heartache and that makes me cry more than I have ever cried in my whole entire life. but loving him is the greatest thing that ever happened to me.

here we go.. this is when I open up my heart and soul and pour it all out there. for the first time since I ever started this blog that I will reveal a piece of me that makes me feel so naked. a piece that's so deep within me but hurts more than anything..

I was cynycal before I met him. eternal love was not something I was looking for. I had had my heart broken so many times before him that I simply gave up. the most important man in my life, the one who was supposed to be there forever and always, the man who carried me on his shoulders as a little girl, my dad.. walked out. simply decided that his wife and his kids were not something he wanted to spend his life with. he just walked out. he let me down. he burned me so bad that I had major issues with men my whole entire life. I was fortunated to get an amazing mom who would be mom and dad. who would do everything she ever could to make our lives better. but my dad didn't care. my dad gave up everything. every milestone in my life he missed. every birthday, every graduation, every christmas. he missed my prom, my driving license. he missed every single part of my life - because he chose to. 

 me and my dad, circa 1991.

I was so scared to give my heart to a man and have that man do just like my dad and walk out. it happened though.. more than once. and every time it happened, I would get another scar on my heart. I would drift further and further away from whatever love was supposed to be. I found joy in travels and meeting people from all over the world. I found joy in partying my ass off and I found joy in being all careless. and when he walked into my life I wasn't looking for anything serious. I thought we'd just be friends with.. benefits. I thought we might have a little fling but never in my wildest dreams did I picture us be where we are today. the reason was not that because of him, the reason was me. I had, like I just said, given up. I thought that it just wasn't my thing.. to find someone and settle down. I thought that since I put myself out there and had my heart broken so many times, that it was a sign from above - telling me to find something else. telling me that love was just not for me. and then he walked into my life..

and I tried to pretend for so long. tried to shut down every feeling that would ever occur when I was with him. I didn't want to let him in. I wanted to be in this grey area with him.. where everything is just blurry. where we would have fun together but not get attached. not hurt each other. but it turned out to be impossible. every time I was with him, he would blow my mind. he would be so kind and so patient. he would never force himself on me or make me feel uncomfortable. he would always be there, with this amazing smile on his face, and make me feel calm. everything with him always felt easy, natural. no matter what it was. holding his had was the easiest hand to hold. kiss his lips were the easiest lips to kiss. just look him in the eyes and feel safe was the easiest thing in the world. I never felt this way about anybody in my whole entire life. I never loved anybody as much as I love him. and I know I never will. he has just taken me to a place I didn't even believe existed. he showed me that there are good hearts out there. he showed me love like no one has ever done before. he is a dream come true. he is my happy place. he is my best friend. he is the person I trust with my whole heart. he is the love of my life. always. ♥

thank you for being the man I always dreamed about but thought I'd never find. thank you for bringing me back to life and for loving me as much as you do.